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Being A Part Of

June 30, 2007

(Adorable photo courtesy of Shea!)

So, Terri’s home. Yay! Catching up on sleep, adjusting to the fact that she actually has TIME and (will soon have) energy, looking forward to a whole new life. It’s really pretty amazing. Finally all the tasks have been done, the dissertation written, the diploma received, the post-doc finished… it feels like the door to Life has been opened wide for her at last. I’m so excited!

It’s interesting that now that she is about to step into her new life, I’m still caught up in my endless question of what do I do with my own life? I was at a work function on Friday, and was so busy all day (which I always enjoy) and everyone was so heartfelt at the function; I really felt like I was exactly, finally, right where I needed to be. A part of this company, which does work that I believe in, and making a contribution. But then, as the festivities went on, I started to feel apart, sad, on the fringe. I have a hard time being ‘a part of’ things — I’m naturally a little shy, and I didn’t feel like I could contribute to any conversations (being, as they were, full of clinical talk and such). I wanted so much to be a part of things, to feel like I was actually helping and making a contribution. I know I do, but I just had that feeling that I should be doing more, or something more connected… I don’t know.

Which started me thinking about doing art therapy again… I know my hand readings told me that maybe working directly with people wasn’t my path (that I needed, instead, to do my own art work) — but I do love to help people so much, and I really feel that I would be a natural at therapy, and especially art therapy. And of course continue my own art. But there are so many other questions that go along with that. Would it be financially wise? Do I really want to take on all that effort? When would I start? It that the it that I’ve been looking for? What about all the other things I’m interested in?

Which puts me right back where I started. Questions, questions, more questions. So I’m left in this interesting position of feeling like I’m right where I should be in my life, but yet not. Maybe what it is is that I’m right where I should be, because very soon some other answers are going to become clear. I do enjoy my work and especially the people that I work with. I’d like to contribute in a more direct way. Maybe something will become more clear, very soon.

I feel like maybe these feelings have come up suddenly because now there is space for them. So I’ll just keep an open mind and open heart and keep my eyes open for answers. It’s the start of a new year at work, and I feel inspired to really put some thought into my place in things there. I want to become more a part of. I guess what it is, is that I want to matter.

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