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(A Sort Of) Homecoming

August 4, 2007

Just a few more favorite photos, and one last post about the exchange student weekend… then back to our regularly scheduled programming.

We are just so fabulous, it’s beyond belief. D’Arcy and her entourage.

Helsinki bar! We couldn’t pass up this photo op.

Ismail, trying in vain to keep a straight face while wearing The Glasses.

Making Karalian pies, using a wine bottle as a rolling pin.

Finished Karalian pies. Wheat sensitivity be damned, I am making these more often.
And you know it’s time to go
Through the sleet and driving snow
Across the fields of mourning
Light in the distance

And you hunger for the time
Time to heal, desire, time
And your earth moves beneath
Your own dream landscape

I’m taking a cue from D’Arcy and using song titles (and lyrics) since they just seem to help evoke the feelings I’ve been having.

So, where am I after this whole experience? I’ve travelled to Finland, been an exchange student, come home and pieced together my way up to age almost-33, had a reunion, and am now out the other side. I really feel like it’s been a full spiral and I’m finally back at the top and ready to start a new circle.

And yet, this weekend leaves me wondering, what more? What should I do with this life? As always, I’m left with this question. As always. Sigh. But I feel like I have more clues now. I feel like things have been pointed out to me that I couldn’t see before. I’m wide awake.

On the plane to Atlanta, Monica said something that resonated with me. I’ve heard it before, but for some reason (maybe the heart being split wide open thing), it really got in and hit home. She said something to the effect of, “You have this way about you where I feel like I can tell you anything, anything at all, and it will be safe.” She said some other things that I can’t quite remember, but the gist of it was that I make people feel safe, and comforted, and like they can open up to me. This got me to thinking about doing therapy (going back to school), and art therapy in particular, again. I want to work with kids, and with older adults. And also about doing art, and about what I might have to say to the world. That’s always what’s held me back: I didn’t feel like I had anything to say. I think I might, now. I think I have, all along, but I didn’t believe it.

More than anything, what I take away from this weekend is that I believe in myself more. I feel like a few questions have just… stopped. I’ve got a good heart, and I can share that with anyone. I have something to share. I don’t have to do anything differently, but I can just bring more heart to everything. I can be more present. And I can relax a little. It’s all good.

Life is going back to normal. Terri is being wonderful (as usual). The cats are insane (as usual). I’m almost caught up on sleep (as usual). I’ve got a big stack of books. A bunch of art projects in my mind. A breath of fresh air from my vacation. I feel like I’ve taken a big breath and let it all out, and the mists have cleared ahead of me. I don’t know where the path is going, but I can see the path. The stuff that I don’t care about (but that I usually worry about) — whatever! I don’t care about it! Who cares! What a freaking relief. I love my huge piles of books, unfinished art projects, scores of unmade recipes… I’ve always been like this. And you know what? It’s just fine. I’m loved, by so many people. I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

So what now? I’m back to square one, after having wandered all over the board. It’s where I should be. Back at home base. I know what I love: Terri, my family, my pets, my friends, my books and art and cooking and making things cozy, and being outside in the rain and mists, and the ocean and rivers and trees, and I love San Francisco at night so very, very much.

I know myself: I’m shy, I’m sometimes outgoing. I’m kind and helpful. I’m funny sometimes. I like to make things, anything. I’m creative. I’m a problem-solver. I like to learn new stuff. I like to go on walks by myself sometimes. I love mystery and things that are hard to figure out.

It’s time to just let go of all that old stuff I’ve been carrying around.

Let it go,
Let it go,
And so fade away
I’m wide awake…

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