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Shadow In The Mirror

August 18, 2007


I caught sight of my reflection
I caught it in the window
I saw the darkness in my heart
I saw the signs of my undoing
They had been there from the start
–Blood of Eden, Peter Gabriel

So, this has not been the easiest week on record. Forgive the cryptic, but you know that shadow that everyone carries around with them? The one you try not to notice, that hangs around in the back of your psyche? Well, mine showed up right in front of me, plain as day, and demanded to be noticed.

So, I noticed. It has not been an easy week.

But the good news is, I’m going to start working with Ms. Shadow. In the past, I’ve tried to do this alone, or with a (sometimes competent, sometimes not) therapist. I always tried to manage it, get over it, move on, ignore it, belittle it, run and hide in that river we all know as De Nile. But this time, I realize that I actually really need help dealing with my own shadow self. I need help to get honest with what’s keeping me from feeling all my feelings, what’s keeping me in hiding, what’s keeping me from showing up 100% in my relationships. So, I’m going to some groups. I’ve been to two so far. It’s been really powerful and I know I am right where I belong. It’s scary, and lonely, and really, really hard. But I’m going. And I’m showing up for myself. That’s where it’s got to start, right?

I feel raw, and frightened, but determined. Like a close friend recently said, “It’s hard to let go of being the perfect one, the one who’s got it all under control.” I don’t. I don’t have it all under control. I’m trying to control everything else, but really I’m the one who’s out of control.

So, there you have it. Cryptic, but true nonetheless. I’ll share more as I feel ready. It’s good to start living my life for real, shadow, rips and tatters and all.

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