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This Is Me

July 14, 2008

Well, this is what I would like to be doing. For some reason, napping is evading me. I came home from work to get some rest, so sitting on the couch with a kitty cuddling up next to me will have to do. I’m not sure why but I am tired. More to the point, I feel worn out. In need of rejuvenation. Unlike the gifted Jen Lemen, I am usually unable to express my every thought and feeling. But, since I have a feeling that that very tendency is part of my problem, here’s my best shot. (I’m an I, not an E, so this is a stretch) (by the way, if you are an introvert, you may find this article funny…)

I was talking to Terri last night and realizing that I feel so overwhelmed by pyschic stresses and worries (my actual external life is not very stressful right now at all, but the last year or so has been very stressful for both of us in every other way). I try very, very hard not to let them get the better of me, and usually I do pretty well. But either I have let my guard down and they are winning the battle, or there’s just so much a body can take and the cracks are showing — either way, I’m feeling very used up, worn out, wrung dry. My brain feels empty. Small tasks seem monumental. I’m reading a lot, but not as much as I’d planned… I just don’t have it in me.

As we were talking, Terri and I agreed that part of what might be happening is my little creative soul is all dried up and feeling ignored. So I’ve been getting a few books to try and spark her interest. I may go sit at my art table for a little while this afternoon. Figuring out how to paint with oils (I have a whole new set that I haven’t touched) sounds like too much effort, but sketching out some ideas, or making a little something-or-other just to remember what it’s like… that might be a good thing.

I think I also need to go to bed earlier. I’m not giving my body enough of what it needs. Not enough veggies, not enough rest, not enough feel-good. We’re all strung out over here — worn thin by the stress of not-knowing, by the treatments that only make Terri feel worse, by my inability to settle down. I keep feeling like I ought to be doing more (but I have no energy to do so), or cleaning the furry house, or running errands. Terri would love nothing more than for me to sit down and watch movies with her all weekend, but inside I feel like I’m letting everything fall to pieces if I do that. Plus, I’m a bad movie-watcher. (we decided that I would make a big list on Netflix of movies and shows I want to watch, to address this problem…)

Maybe that’s just what needs to happen right now. Maybe it just needs to all go to hell. The house, my social life, the internal pressure I feel to ‘do a good job’ all the time every time… maybe it just needs to fall apart and then be picked up later, when I can think straight.

I’m going camping tomorrow with my dear friend D’Arcy. We will shiver in the redwoods and cuddle up in sleeping bags (no fires allowed!)… perhaps take a walk on the beach. Maybe we will replay a version of one of our best times: She came to visit me in Oregon. We went to the beach almost every day that week. One evening in Newport, after a day of hiking and tidepools, we were hungry so we stopped at a pizza place and got a small takeout pizza and two large cups of coffee. We took this to a little beach as night fell all around us… stumbling over driftwood and seaweed, we found a large old log and sat in the dark eating pizza and drinking bad coffee, listening to the ocean, being silly and loving that moment (and realizing how much we were loving that moment).

I don’t go back to work until Friday. I think this is good. And then over the next week or two, I’m going to do the detox plan. I like this plan because it sounds very easy on the system and for some reason my body is lighting up with glee at the thought of eating only fruits and veggies and rice for a week, so I’m going to take that as a sign. Maybe it’ll be that ‘reset’ button that I need. I feel like toxins of all sorts have been building up and maybe there’s relief in there somewhere if I can only slough some of the old, useless junk off. Start fresh, see what IS and go from there.

Also, I get my hair cut on Friday. And you know that’s always a relief.

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