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hitting the wall

July 8, 2010

Oregon Trip June 2010, originally uploaded by Daphne Ann.

You know, I’ve realized something lately.

Ever since Terri started getting her benefits, I seem to have completely lost all desire to make the *extra* effort of doing pretty much anything, including freelance graphic design. Which is too bad since I just got a computer and all the software (not cheap). Of course.

A few weeks ago I had a file-saving tragedy. I lost an entire revision of a project (thankfully the job already printed). 8 hours of work. And I have to rebuild it before the next revision comes along. And I am just dreading it. It’s sucking the life out of me and I haven’t even started rebuilding it yet.

(I must pause to say that I’m going to be working with a friend on a really fun project, and I’m looking forward to that. Which tells me something about the work I *ought* to be looking for.)

I still do my petsitting, because I love doing that. I don’t love getting up early on weekends, but I do love all the critters, so much. And I don’t mind babysitting every now and again; I’ve gotten rather attached to the kids. But sitting down at a computer once I get home, after sitting at a computer since 7:30 that morning… is kind of feeling really awful.

I’m totally behind on things. I have projects that I need to do that I haven’t even really started. I am reading blogs but I can’t seem to muster the energy to comment very much.

I also cannot muster any energy to go for walks, even though I still am because I have a walking buddy. Which is good, because otherwise I wouldn’t be doing much of anything. Although, I have a feeling that I wouldn’t mind doing some jogging, by myself, with music. I’m an introvert so I think the extra energy of keeping up my end of the conversation just saps my strength. Pitiful.

I’ve cut out strips to make my summer-sheet quilt, but I haven’t started making the squares/blocks. I went out of town, and then I haven’t been feeling very well since I’ve gotten back. So the dining room table is messy and full of an uncompleted project, which is bumming me out. Because I actually really want that quilt. Maybe I should just sew strips and not worry about making squares.

Another thing I can’t seem to do is cook. Part of that is Terri’s tummy has been so picky lately that it’s been hard to find something to make. But I haven’t felt like cooking for myself, either. I’m trying, because I STRONGLY feel that good, nutritious food is so important, but I’m afraid we’re eating a lot of quinoa pasta (with homemade tomato sauce). Or cereal. That’s not so great.

Oh, there are lots of things I’m not doing right now. I read my way through The Thorn Birds at an exceedingly leisurely pace. I am enjoying flipping through Vanity Fair. Our house is getting overrun with dustbunnies. My terrarium plants failed and so there is a lovely glass globe filled with dead plants in the bathroom. My succulents died (overwatering?) so there is a tray with dead plants in the dining room.

I just don’t feel like doing much of anything for awhile. I think that I was so, so busy and working so hard the last year and a half, and now I just feel really done. For the present, at least.

I ran a marathon about 10 years ago. All the books and articles I read warned about “hitting the wall.” I hit the wall at mile 25, and it was a struggle to go that last mile (plus the .2… that was a really hard 1.2 miles!). I think I’ve just hit the wall personally. I need to just rest. And quit doing so much for awhile. I’m a do-er by nature, so I will eventually get back to it, but I think I need to take a break.

I’ll re-do the project that I lost. I’ll put together my quilt in some way (because I really want that quilt, dammit — anyone have a good idea for a super-quick way to finish the quilt?). The house will get vacuumed (probably by Terri!) at some point. I’ll wrap up my other projects. And then… I think I’m just going to shut down shop for awhile. I’m sure I’ll feel like doing something, at some point. Maybe experiment with a gluten-free cookie recipe. Maybe do some kind of art that doesn’t have an end goal assigned to it. Quit thinking about my book count (who really cares?!?).

And just rest. And read some trashy magazines. And maybe start a new big fat summer read. And not worry about stuff. I feel like I keep saying this, but it keeps getting driven home. Take a break, girl.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 8, 2010 6:42 am

    Take a break girl! You both need and deserve it.

  2. D'Arcy permalink
    July 8, 2010 7:36 am

    And enjoy a short visit with one of your very best friends!!

    Seriously, it really does sound like you’re hitting the wall. Give yourself permission to just be lazy(ish) for a while, and you’ll rediscover your energy to tackle things again. Not that you don’t know this already.

    See you soon!

  3. July 8, 2010 9:55 am

    Stef: I’m going to! 🙂

    D’Arce: I will definitely be enjoying a short visit from one of my very best friends! I can’t wait! I think I need some tidepools and museums and Fazer Sinninen. I wonder if we can find some of that?

  4. trapunto permalink
    July 8, 2010 12:35 pm

    Sounds like summertime to me. I’m unapologetic about my lazy cooking when it’s high summer. And tonight I’m not cooking at all: fish-and-chip stand fries, soft-serve, and then we’re going to see Eclipse to escape the hot house.

  5. July 9, 2010 1:14 pm

    Summer is my typical time of hitting that wall. I get a lot of external motivation from the weather in the other three seasons but summer just saps me of energy in so many ways. It has been a concerted effort each summer over the past three or four years to find something different or special to do just so the time doesn’t pass in a haze. I hate losing chunks of my life that way. And, I must say, making an effort to do something new or different has helped, even if my ‘new’ thing is something that is relatively easy.

    It does sound like you need a rest and perhaps need to scale things back to what you really have no choice and must do and then a few things that you really know you want to do. The rest will take care of itself, isn’t that important, or will wait until your energy level returns.

  6. July 9, 2010 5:59 pm

    im so glad im not the only one feeling this way.

    ive even been avoiding the computer because i havent wanted to comment on blogs or answer facebook email. i feel like a very crappy person. but i just havent had the energy.

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